Please, please, please have said "retina...." Oh. Nope.

Chronically absent student misses days before exams start. Shows up. While on norning duty, I hear her say, "Yeah, I was absent because my mom tore her rectum. I couldn't get a ride here because she couldn't drive."

My ears perked up, and I decided to get my mind out of the gutter, because there's no way this child has just announced that her mother tore her rectum. Must have said "retina."

Another teacher arrives, opens the gym, and she goes inside. One of the kids to whom she was speaking came to me and said, "Ms. M., what's a 'rectum?'" I'm taken aback. Was I wrong? Surely, this other child heard wrong, too.

"Why? is that on your science exam?" (I'm so smooth.)
"No. Twyla said she couldn't come to school because her mom tore her rectum. What's a rectum?"
"Ummmmmmm look in your science book for more information, but it's kinda part of your digestive system. It's one of the stops your food makes on its way out of your body." (Super smooth!)
"Oh. Ok."

A few minutes later, I hear a female senior screech, "Your mama tore her rectum?!?!?!?! What she been doin'?!?!?!!?!?!" There was silence, which was followed by a loud chorus of "OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I don't wanna know what was said.

And it cost me a FORTUNE...

Being a big "Peanuts" fan this year I got one of the two-foot replicas of Charlie Brown's Christmas Tree to set up on the back counter in my classroom. I set it up this morning and I got some nice comments from my first class. It was there all during class, and with about five minutes left in my second hour, one of the kids finally noticed it.

"Hey, Mr. B!" he said. "Your tree looks kind of scrawny!"

"You've got to be kidding me," I said. "One of you guys has to know where that tree is from."

One of the smarter kids in class got it. "That's Charlie Brown's tree!"

"Right," I confirmed.

A third kid looked at it, kind of puzzled, then he turned to me and asked, in all seriousness, "Is that the real one from the TV show?"

Pranked!

I was out sick on Wednesday. On Thursday, one of my sophomores greeted me with, "Hey, don't freak out, but you're going to notice that one of your staplers is missing. I have it, and it's safe, and you'll get it back tomorrow. I can't tell you why, but you'll understand it when you see it."

I figured he borrowed it for a project. I taught him as a 7th grader and an 8th grader, I teach him now, and he's in my play, so I know him pretty well. He's a good kid. Funny, too.

Then I thought....maybe he's Bedazzling it or decorating it or something. It's a documented fact that I am a sucker for cool office supplies. I wasn't too worried, especially since he said, "And don't worry, it's not your red Swingline. It's the other one."

When I pulled into the parking lot today, I saw him walking up with something in his hands, but I couldn't see it. He had an odd look on his face, then turned and walked with his back to me. I was convinced that he was trying to avoid my glance because maybe he was skipping out on rehearsals. I went to put my purse away before going on morning duty, and got stopped by about 4 different kids. Some were legit, I think. One was painfully and obviously trying to delay me. I saw the kid walk past me at the crossroad in the hall followed by two other kids and a teacher, and still thought nothing of it. They let me get to my room, and one girl said, "I hope you believe in good luck on Friday the 13th!"

I opened my door and they trailed in after me (subtle, guys....realllll subtle....) but I saw nothing wrong at first. Then I turned to my desk and saw a large green gelatinous dome. With my missing stapler in it.

Flashback a few weeks, and the kid and I were talking about funny things we've seen on TV. I said, "I still say that one of the funniest things I've ever seen was on the first episode of 'The Office' when they put Dwight's stapler in the Jell-O mold and he opens the drawer and discovers it." The kid replied with, "What would you do if that happened to you?" My reply? "So long as it wasn't my red Swingline, I'd probably laugh my head off."

I set myself up, then completely forgot I'd done it. For the record, yeah. I laughed my head off.

Epic win, child. Epic win.

Grading the teacher?

Report cards went home today. In anticipation of this most wonderful/agonizing day, one of my sophomores, who I taught as a 7th and 8th grader, decided he wants to give me a daily grade. He's a pretty goofy kid. He started this on standardized test day. Which was irritating. And consisted of my having a mysterious throat infection. I was mildly amused by this, since he's a pretty goofy kid and all.

"Ms. M., today I'd have to say your grade is an 'F.'"

I'd say a C- that day, maybe a D+, personally, because I just wasn't myself.

I told him, "Gee, thanks."

He said, "Yeah. As in, "FREAKIN' AWESOME!"

Yesssss....


Today, I didn't have that class. He gave me a B. Not sure why.


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Last period today was my journalism seniors. I had to hand out their report cards. One kid kept taking his from the pile and putting it on top.Just to annoy me. I put it on the bottom to annoy him back, and slowly handed out all of the others. He picked up a witch hat that was being used in my partner's art class earlier in the week, and put it on my head.

"You have to wear this the rest of the day. Because that's pretty much what you are."

Haha. I love seniors and sophomores.

This girl...

Remember my teacher friend who loves animals, teaches science, and was the intended recipient of Boney the Cat last year? She experienced round 2 today.

Her exam portfolio included her 8th graders making models of habitats for the endangered animals each child researched. One girl finished hers at home (which she wasn't supposed to do) and brought it in this morning. Her animal was a sloth. She brought in a little aquarium-type habitat filled with plants, foam animals, and something that sorta looked like a sloth. She also had two fighting fish. In plastic bags. Dead. Stinky. Wanted water to add to the habitat so she could add the fish to it.

She went next door to the principal's office, interrupted a meeting, and relayed the story. Two of the people in the meeting said simultaneously, "Why do kids always want to bring you dead animals?"

She made the girl flush her fish. Apparently, she'd purchased them for this project.

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Same child....

This child is not as dumb as the previous story makes her seem. She's too smart for her own good, unless it comes to making a model habitat. Or transporting/caring for fish.

She does, however, have more attitude in her pinky finger than the rest of the school combined.

She burst into the learning center on Monday wearing one shoe while brandishing the other. That shoe was covered in meat sauce. She yelled at the vice principal and guidance counselor, "You know I don't like people using attitude on me." This was said with much head bobbing and shaking of the meat-sauce-laden shoe. The VP stopped her and said, "Have you ever heard of the saying, 'the pot calling the kettle black?'" She hadn't, and VP gave her a quick lesson on the meaning. This child, "Stevette," has been at our school since middle school, as has the child she's about to discuss. They are not in the same class this year, but may have been last year. There are only 20 8th graders total, by the way.

Stevette: Well, you know that girl, she's in 8th grade...I don't know her name though....but she's the one that walks around like she's better than everyone else, and she's a triflin' ho?
GC: You mean, Stevette Jones?
Stevette: (Ignores this statement)
Through discussion, and lecturing on the use of the term "triflin' ho," the VP and GC figure out that she's talking about a decent student who is just very, very quiet named "Melissa."

Apparently, Melissa and Stevette got up to throw away their trash at the same time. Melissa either missed the trash or had her lunch fall off the trash...not really sure. Either way, her plate, filled with meat sauce, missed the can, landed on the floor, and coated Stevette's shoe.

Stevette: "And I said to her, 'Aren't you gonna clean that up?' and she said 'No' and walked away!! You need to go get her and make her clean this!!"
VP: "Stevette, if it had happened the other way around, and you spilled something on Melissa's shoe, would you have cleaned it up?"
Stevette: "No."
VP: "I appreciate your honesty, but since you wouldn't clean Melissa's shoe, Melissa will not clean your shoe."

Stevette proceeds to freak out over Melissa not being in trouble.

VP mentions that they will speak to Melissa about not leaving messes on the cafeteria floor, but that they will not do anything about her not cleaning Stevette's shoe.

Stevette: Well, who's gonna clean my shoe?!?!?!!?!
VP and GC: You are. (They return to their conversation, Stevette storms off angrily mumbling.)

Snippets

We're experimenting with portfolios in lieu of exams. I have mixed feelings. Mostly because I think grading and preparing exams is way easier than a portfolio.

Anyway, I was going over requirements with my English II class (sophomores): Choose 6 of the 12 pieces you've done this quarter. Write a 1-paragraph reflection, if you will, on why each particular piece belongs in your portfolio. Prepare to present and defend next week during the appointed exam time. How long am I requiring each paragraph to be? FIVE sentences. I got as far as "one paragraph for each..." before they flipped out on me. My maturity shield dropped immediately, and I mocked them. "OHHH MY GOHHHHHHHHHHHD....my English teacher is making me wriiiiiite!!! OHHH MY GOHHHHHHHHHHHD...my English teacher is making me do worrrrrrk!!! OHHH MY GOHHHHHHHHHHHD...I have to write in English classsssss!!! OHHH MY GOHHHHHHHHHHHD... instead of making us study and take a long test with at least 50 questions on it, most of which are short answer, my English teacher is making me take stuff I've already written and write 5 tiny sentences about each of the 6 poemmmmmmmmzzzzzzzz!!!!" I got as far as one more "OHHH MY GOHHHHHHHHHHHD..." when one of them went, "ALL RIGHT! We GET IT! STOP!" I then put it to a vote after telling them that I could throw out the portfolio and make them a test...I already have one started for right after exam week is over (these portfolios have many down sides to them....as well as many upsides...) and they could just have a traditional exam. I made them vote; one kid wanted an exam while the rest wanted the portfolios. No more whining. I WIN!

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A teacher who uses my room during my off-period was teaching financial math today and told the kids that in order to figure out how much they would probably pay in taxes, they had to take their anal incomes.....and that was as far as he got.

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Seniors were hyped up all day. They had a sub first period and watched a movie in that class. Then their teacher discussed anal income. at lunch, the big/little brothers and sisters had an ice cream social. And then they got to journalism with me. My co-teacher friend tried to feed into it while wrangling them at the same time: she played "Simon Says" with them. It was brilliant. They got out some energy, and the last two things she said were, "Simon say take a seat.....Simon says do your work without complaining." And one of the kids yelled out, "Simon SUCKS!"

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Yesterday, another friend, who is one of the kindest, calmest teachers I've ever seen, was verbally abused by a student. Richard didn't understand something, and Laine offered to help him out. Things started out well, until Laine couldn't remember the website address Richard needed to use. He said, "It's on your instruction sheet, Richard. Get your instruction sheet." Richard yelled out, "Just tell me the damned website!!!!" Ms. Ford said, "I'm sorry, Richard, but that sort of language is not allowed in my class." She calmly took out a write-up form and checked off "Inappropriate language" with the punishment only as having the write-up signed. No detentions or anything were attached to it. Richard yelled out, "This is civics class, and you are violating my first amendment rights!!!" Um...two things: 1. first amendment does not actually guarantee free speech. For instance, one may not yell "fire!" in a crowded theater. 2. When you go to school, you sorta forfeit a lot of rights...like the right to wear your hair and clothing however you wish...and many others.

Anyway, he let out a torrent of f-bombs and s-bombs, and she calmly switched the infraction to "severe inappropriate language" and attached an after-school detention to it. Richard them yelled "F-bomb you, B-bomb!!!" He was removed to guidance for the rest of the afternoon and served an in-school suspension today.

I don't care if she has her own clothing line. It's not my style!!!

So one of my seniors today stopped me as I was moving to my off-period and said, "You're always wearing the cutest outfits, Ms. M." Awwww....

I was wearing a khaki skirt with a white blouse with an attached light and navy blue striped...well...sweater vest....sorta....thingy. And cute flats.

Just as I was thanking her, she finished with, "And I just LOVE that Ellen DeGeneres-looking sweater you have on!!!!"

Not gonna wear THIS again....

Earning accreditation

Had our first SACS accreditation meeting today... with the following handout done by the Vice Principal:

Students on SACS:
"Doesn't that mean we get out of school early?"
"Isn't that when all of the teachers go crazy?"
"I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that in school."

Teachers on SACS:
"What a headache."
"Ugh. long meetings."
"I thought we weren't supposed to talk about that in school."

Is that a kitten in your sweatshirt, or are you just happy to see me?

When I first started working at my school, it was mandatory to have a class pet. This carried over from the grammar school which feeds us, and it was not uncommon to have a kid walk up holding a snake while he talked to you.

Thankfully, this practice has died out.

Anyway, in my second year of teaching, one of my students, who was then a freshman (now a senior), walked into my room. "Ms. M, I have something to show you, but you have to promise not to freak out."

This is always a fun way to begin a conversation. I gave the standard, "Feel free to tell me, but if someone is being hurt in some way, or if it is illegal, I do have to report it," line.

She said neither, and pulled out what I thought was a guinea pig from the kangaroo pocket of her school sweatshirt. Then I looked closer and saw it was a kitten whose little eyes hadn't even opened yet. And then she pulled out another.

She and a friend found a litter with no mother by it. Presumably, the mother was feeding or using the outdoor facilities. So what did they do? Snuck them into school in their sweatshirt pockets.

I freaked, understandably, and asked what her plans were for the kitten. She said she wanted to keep one, and her friend was going to keep the other. They knew the kittens were too young to survive on their own, so they were just going to smuggle them into school each day. She was going to give her milk carton to the kittens at lunch in the bathroom and rub their rear ends with toilet paper to make them use the rest room because "the mother licks them on the butt to make them go." I blurted out something about cats being lactose intolerant, and that I'd never heard of the tp thing, and ohmygodyoubetternotgetcaught!!!

The more I thought about it, the more concerned I was for these kittens, who never should have left their mother. I got some animal-loving teachers, including one who used to foster animals, and we confiscated the kittens. We took a cardboard box, lined it with the sheets I stored in my cabinet to cover my bookcases and computers over the summer, and got the heat lamp from the iguana that was in the classroom across from mine. My friend, K, took the kittens home, and she and her sister hand-fed them every few hours. Her sister ended up adopting the cats, because the girls' mothers said they couldn't keep the kittens, and now these poor motherless babies would have no way to survive. Both kittens matured into lovely cats. One lives with the sister, while the other is an outdoor (fixed) cat.

The student left for sophomore and junior years, and returned for her senior year. When I saw her at book day, I said, "You know...we don't have kangaroo pocket sweatshirts any more. So, you're not going to be able to smuggle kittens in here any more!!" She cracked up, and now it's our joke...."And while you're at it, don't smuggle any kittens in here!"

Uhhh....you did.

From April, 2009:

Great moments in teaching, part eleventy-jillion:

7th period writing...7 8th grade males. I love the class...but boy do they drive me nuts.

Today, "Rick" came to class and almost immediately started asking what would happen if someone brought alcohol to school. In a water bottle. It started out sounding very hypothetical, and Rick's goal in life seems to be to see if he can get a rise out of me. But when "In a water bottle" got added to the mix, my curiosity was piqued. I said I wasn't sure, as I'd never seen it happen here before, but I wouldn't be surprised if there was, at minimum, a suspension and maybe an expulsion. Rick and Luigi exchanged a furtive glance (or so they thought) and Luigi muttered under his breath, "They're gonna be in troublllllle..."

I decided to play it cool. In an incredulous, joking voice, I asked, "Who's got a water bottle of alcohol at school?" Luigi started to say a name, but Rick started making noises and singing "NO ONE! NO ONE! NO ONE WOULD DO THAT< MS. M. YOU KNOW I'M JOKING!!!!"

I had my e-mail program open, actually, and I e-mailed the principal, the vice principal, and the guidance counselor. I detailed what I'd just heard and suggested that they check the situation out. Evidently, at least one of those people got the e-mail, and the principal went to investigate. He got a kid, not the one mentioned, in his office.

Rick returned the laptops to the laptop cart in another room and came back to our room. He grabbed Luigi and said, "Someone ratted them out!!! Mr. Principal came to get them!!! Someone ratted them out!!!" The two of them then got in a discussion wherein they were trying to figure who'd sold out their friends. I just sat there, biting the insides of my cheeks.

Why did my brain reverse censor itself?

So in drama club this morning, we had some extra time, and we decided to kill it with charades.

Two teens, "Oscar" and "Subway," guessed a correct answer simultaneously. They decided to settle this feud with a game of "Rock, Paper, Scissors."

I watched as Oscar went, "Rock, Paper, Scissors." He threw down scissors as he said the word. 99% of the world says, "Rock, Paper, Scissors, SHOOT!" and throws on "Shoot." Subway plays in the 99th percentile. He saw Oscar throw scissors, and, naturally, threw rock. I said they had to do it over to be fair, and explained to Oscar how to play it otherwise.

I WANTED to tell him, "You can't throw on scissors. You have to throw on shoot."

What I DID tell him was, "You can't throw on scissors. You have to throw on shit."

The dozen kids erupted into raucous laughter, my hand slapped itself over my mouth, and I turned tomato red. I sat there for a few minutes, said, "I'm going to walk out this door, take a second, and come back to start the day over."

So I walked to my friend's room, told her what happened, got a boost of confidence, and went back in the room. They were all sitting there, stunned.

Oh Lord. I don't know where that came from, or why it did...the only thing I can think of is that my brain reverse censored itself. It knows that when I want to say "shit," it should say "shoot" at school. Instead, when I tried to say "shoot," it said "shit."

I immediately e-mailed the guidance counselor and the vice principal and told them what happened. I got a response of "I love it!!!! :) " from the guidance counselor.

Ugh. What a day.fun

Submitted by a colleague

"At CCD tonight, I received a student's fee payment AND a coupon for 50 cents off shampoo...just another example of the randomness of my life!

I'm assuming that the coupon stuck to the check, but who knows! Luckily, it's a brand that I use!"

Thanks, W.